MY GURU. (Common-app essay 2012)

‘When Y is 4 and X is 2, x+y=?’

“Its right there. I know the answer,” I told myself. “Its that simple. Just do it Haider! What in the world are you waiting for?”  But I couldn’t. “I cant. I wont.”

She did this. Not my teacher, my Guru. She changed my world. She made me question simple little things like the concept of Y. Why does Y have to be defined as 6? Why can’t it be 7? Or 9? Or 0? Yes 0 would make my life so much simpler. Why do I have to follow these set rules in life? They don’t own me. I own me.

She made me study literature. I thought that subject was girly. She asked me to define ‘girly’. I said that’s easy. Anything that girls do easily and comes naturally to them is girly. ‘So by that logic’ she said ‘Nuclear physics is girly, because Marie Curie won two Nobel prizes in that field and she loved it. So do you think nuclear physics is girly haider?” Perplexed, I had no answer.

She taught me not to break boundaries. In fact she told me they don’t exist. She taught me to discover myself, to look my worst fears in the face and accept them as part of me. ‘Madam; I’m afraid of public speaking’ I once confessed. She told me “Haider, when debating do not try to persuade the audience try to persuade yourself. Only when you are convinced fully, can you convince anyone else. In an international competition in India, when I was in a tight spot and the odds were stacked against me, I was still able to come out on top. All I had to do to convince a crowd of six hundred, was to stay up the entire previous night and convince myself. My guru saved me.

I thought religion was about praying five times a day. I was told…commanded to believe that there was only my faith. All others were to be ignored. My religion was based on rituals and customs. As I grew up I couldn’t help questioning some of the teachings of my ancestors. I was stricken, beaten because I was a ‘blasphemer’! In my hour of need my guru came through for me. She taught me to relinquish all ties that rituals and baseless customs had to my faith. She taught me god does not exist as a word. What we call ‘God’ is inexplicable. She taught me not to conform to the beliefs of others but to learn and experience my own. She taught me to 'let go'.

Living in a society where women are treated as second class citizens and cruelty rules the roust, I was all set to turn out as an apathetic, overly optimistic, sexist jerk. But my guru saved me.  Elizabeth Bennet* and she taught me to respect women. Desai* and she taught me that life is full of odds and ends and that you are never really in control so don’t kid yourself. Miller* and she taught me that life is often unfair to the point of cruel but you not only have to face the music but also dance with it.

My guru left me in a paradox, I was confused, yet things became so much clearer. She left me spellbound, yet left me with so much to say. However, when I overcame these barriers and the blur cleared, I was different, I was alive.

Life was no longer black and white. It was a play of shadows and light, and for once I was a part of it.

(Thank You everyone who helped in editing this: D.A, U.A, J.J, Z.M) 

*Writers
** events may have been mixed up to seem awesomer

Innocent White Ball.

I tightened my grip, adjusted my feet and looked up, only to be blinded by the bright light. It was bright enough for me to to forget that the time was ten at night. As my retinas contracted in retaliation, my mind searched for the next opponent. There, fifty yards away, coming from over the wicket was Anas, the tall fast baller. He swung the ball from good lengths into right handers, but that information was of no use to me. I was not there to play good cricket, impress anyone or even polish my talent, I was there to 'CLUB' the ball!

I was at indoor cricket club, a place where some people had come to become professionals, while others were there to pass time in the summers. However cricket occupied a different role in my life: It was my RELEASE! 

Anas started his run up, I moved towards the off-stump, raised my bat and for a moment reflected upon what was going on in my head: My dream university had rejected me, and I was angry and without any other option. Some people would have written about it in a diary, others would have talked to a shrink. I was going to take it out on the 6 inch white ball headed towards me. He pitched it wide outside off, it was back of the length, I got in line, closed my eyes and swung with all the power i could muster.... IT CONNECTED! I opened my eyes to see the white ball soaring high into the sky, past the large tree and toward the north end of the ground. As spectators gazed on and Anas stared at me, I felt fatigued, my hands were throbbing but the tension ... it was gone. No longer did the pain of a gap year haunt me, at least not for that day.

This was what I had been doing for the past month. Life was in a frustrating phase and I had converted my best strength into my way of dealing with things. My huge stature made it all perfectly fit into place, they called me Gayle and everybody except the bowlers appreciated my turn at the pitch. I would patiently collect all the issues that bothered me through out a day and take a crack at them in the evenings. When I came out of the net session, I felt lighter, relieved even. It had become a drug for me, without which I could not function.

A new round started, I played a couple of defensive shots. I was recharging and thinking about the next issue in line that was bugging me. Immediately the intern ship came to mind! I had recently been contacted by an institution i had interned with the previous year, they wanted me to co ordinate the intern ship this year. I agreed after the terms were discussed and was quite pleased with powers I was given. But recently someone new had joined midway through, he was given several of the jobs that were previously under my control. I was not consulted and not even properly notified. The control freak inside me was vexed. I talked to the head and was told to act 'maturely'. As the new person made some changes, I wanted to bash his head in. However, despite my violent tendencies, it didn't seem wise to do so. So I decided to bash the ball in his place. Picturing his face and nothing else, I once again tightened my grip and lined up the next bowler. It was haseeb, the leg-spinner whose 'Googly' (technique of bowling) often confused me. He ran in to ball, I strode down the pitch, bat raised, eyes wide open, ready to bash in the.new.guy's face. The ball was a full toss, my eyes lit up and I swung wildy and once again it connected. I had broken bone, while in reality the ball whizzed past the net, towards legside and hit the water cooler. Once again i felt a mixture of  fatigue and immense satisfaction.

The largest issue that faced me that day was perhaps larger than me. It was the overall condition of our country. As if the 10 hours of daily load shedding were not enough, one such hour cost me my new laptop charger. My laptop had been my whole life ever since i bought it 3 weeks ago, because it had bought me a new kind of freedom. That fine day, when the power came back after the regular hour of load shedding, it came in double the supply (i.e. 440 V), and amongst the victims were an air conditioner, a mobile charger and most importantly my laptop charger. It all got me thinking how no one was ever going to be accountable for that days loss; estimating around 25K rupees. That then got me thinking about the state of our country and how no one was ever accountable for anything. As i played a couple of overs defensively, my mind dwelled over this issue and it really hurt. Once again i clenched my wrists and decided the ball must be thrashed. The due process followed with  the exception that this time the actual delivery was too good, unplayable almost. I was halfway down the pitch when, at the last moment, the ball spun sharply. I missed it and, almost simultaneously, time slowed down as I heard  the sound of falling wood! I had been bowled out! It seemed the issue of Pakistan was not going to be settled that day. No worries, I proudly walked out of the nets, feeling a unique satisfaction and knowing that I would be back next time for my charger.

(p.s: special thanks to JJ for his help)

Why The Gap Year?

They call me insane, obsessive, and stupid. To them my decision is the stupidest one possible, but i have always had a different mindset. I dream without thinking of a backup plan. 

05/06/2012, a letter came. It was light, too light! I opened it to find a single sheet of recycled paper and on it i could just see two words, "not qualified". AKU, my dream university had rejected me. Was i shattered? Was i depressed? Was i relieved? No, no and definitely no! The last three months had not gone well because for some reason i had lost focus, i had lost the will to work. My A'Levels had not gone well and i had been unable to pass the entry test. I had always believed the task at hand, of clearing A levels and the AKU test was impossible in 3 months, so i had given up before even trying.And then I had to face the consequences of my actions.

From that point onwards, i had three choices. 

1. Forget you dream, give the MCAT, end up in a private medical college

2. Try AKU again, but enter a college first

3. Gap year and try for AKU again.

Common sense and advice from all around said: "go for option number 2". It appealed to everyone because it contained a backup plan and minimal risk. But it lacked room for my dream. After all, i was getting average  A'Levels grades, grades on which AKU would not hesitate to reject me again. More so, how dedicated will my attempt be the next year if i adapt to a new environment? I was lost for several days. i wondered if i would be happy to give up my dream without a fight. We all watch movies like "3 idiots" but never in real life do we follow its ideology, never do we follow our dreams. We are scared, we always want a back up plan!

As per so many wise people, in the end, the MBBS degree is all that matters. But after deep introspection i realised that this did not hold true for me. For me the most important part of the degree were the five years spent in attaining it. I do not just want to be a doctor, i want to enjoy the journey needed to become one. I realised; my dream is not so shallow that it be discarded because I fell astray for a couple of months. I put in 18 years of my life to get to a point where i can dream to get into one of the best universities in the subcontinent, i have studied in of the best institutes of Pakistan, and been exposed to the best in the business in all fields. Why? so that at the first sight of failure i throw out my dream, get subdued by society pressures and settle for mediocrity without even trying for greatness? NO!

I was inclined towards option 3, because not only did it give me a chance to have a full go at my dream, but also an automatic safeguard . If i study Fsc for a year i can hope to score well in the MCAT and perhaps end up in a good public medical college. So, against all advice and despite great opposition, i made my choice, I chose to follow my dream. I decided for option number 3.

BUT then the final question: what if i am rejected again next year?

Given that probability of admission into AKU is 0.01, i realise that i may be rejected again next year, but at least i will know that i did not give up without a fight, that my dream was not so unimpassioned that I abandoned it at the first possible exit. I shall have the comfort of knowing that at least once, I gave it my best!