‘When Y is 4 and X is 2, x+y=?’
“Its right there. I know the answer,” I told myself. “Its that simple. Just do it Haider! What in the world are you waiting for?” But I couldn’t. “I cant. I wont.”
She did this. Not my teacher, my Guru. She changed my world. She made me question simple little things like the concept of Y. Why does Y have to be defined as 6? Why can’t it be 7? Or 9? Or 0? Yes 0 would make my life so much simpler. Why do I have to follow these set rules in life? They don’t own me. I own me.
She made me study literature. I thought that subject was girly. She asked me to define ‘girly’. I said that’s easy. Anything that girls do easily and comes naturally to them is girly. ‘So by that logic’ she said ‘Nuclear physics is girly, because Marie Curie won two Nobel prizes in that field and she loved it. So do you think nuclear physics is girly haider?” Perplexed, I had no answer.
She taught me not to break boundaries. In fact she told me they don’t exist. She taught me to discover myself, to look my worst fears in the face and accept them as part of me. ‘Madam; I’m afraid of public speaking’ I once confessed. She told me “Haider, when debating do not try to persuade the audience try to persuade yourself. Only when you are convinced fully, can you convince anyone else. In an international competition in India, when I was in a tight spot and the odds were stacked against me, I was still able to come out on top. All I had to do to convince a crowd of six hundred, was to stay up the entire previous night and convince myself. My guru saved me.
I thought religion was about praying five times a day. I was told…commanded to believe that there was only my faith. All others were to be ignored. My religion was based on rituals and customs. As I grew up I couldn’t help questioning some of the teachings of my ancestors. I was stricken, beaten because I was a ‘blasphemer’! In my hour of need my guru came through for me. She taught me to relinquish all ties that rituals and baseless customs had to my faith. She taught me god does not exist as a word. What we call ‘God’ is inexplicable. She taught me not to conform to the beliefs of others but to learn and experience my own. She taught me to 'let go'.
Living in a society where women are treated as second class citizens and cruelty rules the roust, I was all set to turn out as an apathetic, overly optimistic, sexist jerk. But my guru saved me. Elizabeth Bennet* and she taught me to respect women. Desai* and she taught me that life is full of odds and ends and that you are never really in control so don’t kid yourself. Miller* and she taught me that life is often unfair to the point of cruel but you not only have to face the music but also dance with it.
My guru left me in a paradox, I was confused, yet things became so much clearer. She left me spellbound, yet left me with so much to say. However, when I overcame these barriers and the blur cleared, I was different, I was alive.
Life was no longer black and white. It was a play of shadows and light, and for once I was a part of it.
(Thank You everyone who helped in editing this: D.A, U.A, J.J, Z.M)
*Writers
** events may have been mixed up to seem awesomer
** events may have been mixed up to seem awesomer
